"Trump's Baby Bucks: A Cradle-to-Grave Financial Scheme Unleashed!"
By Vixen Vile, Published 6 hours ago
In a move that screams of desperation, the Donald has decided to grease the palms of America's future voters with cold, hard cash-or rather, the promise of it. The "Greatest President of All Time" has announced plans for a $1,000 government-funded account for each newborn, tied to the stock market. Because nothing says 'stable future' like tying your child's financial well-being to the whims of Wall Street.
Picture this: your tiny tot, barely able to grasp a rattle, now has an investment account that could, in theory, skyrocket or plummet faster than a toddler's mood swings. These baby bucks, meant to track the stock market, will ensure that our next generation will be well-versed in the art of financial rollercoasters. Who needs a teddy bear when you have a portfolio to cuddle?
But let's not forget the real genius here. Trump, the master of self-promotion, has cleverly ensured his name will be synonymous with financial handouts. His legacy will not be his failed businesses, his Twitter tirades, or his questionable hair, but rather, the patron saint of infant investment. Because nothing says "I love you, America" like turning your newborn into a miniature Gordon Gekko.
