"Elites Uncover Secret to Longevity: Just Be a Super Ager, Duh"
By Dr. Quack Quirke, Published 1 day ago
Dr. Eric Topol, the globe's premiere squire of the scalpel and meddlesome maestro of molecular mischief, has found the recipe for eternal youth. According to this so-called Super Ager sage, the key to bounding through life with the vigor of a caffeinated kangaroo involves nothing short of a complete life overhaul. But here's the kicker, you must first become a Super Ager!
To transition into one of these mythical beings, Dr. Topol suggests an eccentricity that involves monitoring your body with more gadgets than a paranoid spy. Forget about your smartphone; you'll need a smart everything-smart socks to measure your pulse while you doze, smart underwear to analyze your flatulence, and don't even get me started on the smart toilet! This is all based on the 'hard' science of watching old people thrive without a clear explanation.
But, oh, if only eternal life could be boxed up like instant ramen and sold in the supermarket. Imagine the aisle: "Super Ager Specials-Contains the Essence of Elderly Elegance!" Instead, we're left to follow the whims of Dr. Topol's wearable pandemonium, where your life becomes an endless data stream to the cloud. In a world obsessed with longevity, we're all just lab rats in Dr. Topol's grand experiment of grotesque gadgetry.
