Trump Ponders Pardons for Whitmer Kidnappers: "What's a Little Kidnapping Between Friends?"
By Vixen Vile, Published 1 day ago
Ah, the wheels of justice turn as smoothly as a unicycle on a tightrope, don't they? Donald Trump, ever the guardian of the downtrodden, has decided to consider pardoning the poor, misunderstood souls who merely wanted to abduct Governor Gretchen Whitmer. Why? Because they're victims of a "railroad job," of course!
Let's dissect this grand gesture, shall we? Pardoning kidnappers isn't just a slap in the face to the law; it's a full-blown assault with a legal baseball bat. Trump's reasoning? These fine gentlemen are just patriots misunderstood by the system, victims of a deep state conspiracy to make kidnapping look bad. After all, who among us hasn't considered a little light kidnapping when our favorite politician annoys us?
But fear not, dear readers, for Trump, in his infinite wisdom, sees through the sham. He's ready to throw open the gates of legal limbo and let these 'freedom fighters' return to society. Because if you can't kidnap your local governor when you're displeased with her policies, what's the point of the First Amendment anyway? Here's to the new American Dream: where liberty means the right to plot, plan, and possibly execute a kidnapping with presidential approval.
