Minnesota Shooting: A Grisly Tale of Love, Guns, and Delusion
By Vixen Vile, Published 6 hours ago
In a scene that could rival any B-grade horror flick, Vance Boelter, our local hero of hysteria, has outdone himself by allegedly turning a peaceful Minnesota town into his personal shooting gallery. The man, who clearly missed the memo that guns are for hunting, not for solving marital disputes or political disagreements, now faces federal charges for his twisted love triangle.
It turns out that our protagonist, Vance, thought that the path to true love involved a firearm and a couple of unfortunate lawmakers. In what can only be described as a plot twist in the saga of suburban nightmares, he allegedly shot a state representative and her husband to death, and then, as if to add some variety to his portfolio, decided to shoot at another lawmaker and his wife, leaving them wounded. Truly, Vance has redefined the concept of 'shooting for the stars'.
The community is now left to pick up the pieces, or rather, the bullet casings, after this whirlwind of violence. Boelter, who probably fancied himself as some sort of vigilante Cupid, will soon stand trial. One wonders what his defense might be; perhaps he'll claim he was under the impression that 'shoot your shot' was literal advice from his favorite self-help guru. Stay tuned for more updates on this chillingly romantic saga.
