Great News! Iran Tells Citizens to Yeet WhatsApp into the Void
By Gizmo Gizzard, Published 5 hours ago
Alert the media-doomsday is upon us, folks! Iran's state TV has taken a heroic stand against the nefarious WhatsApp, telling the citizens to give it the ol' digital heave-ho. According to the beacons of liberty in charge, this app is harvesting your secrets, your sins, your favorite mom's cooking recipes, and sending them all to the state of Israel. You know, because that's totally what we do when we're not busy with... state things.
But let's think about this logically: deleting WhatsApp will surely protect you from those diabolical Mossad spies lurking in your phone. Just ignore the fact that WhatsApp has end-to-end encryption so strong it could probably withstand a nuclear blast. This isn't about privacy; it's about the age-old ritual of burning tech at the stake for the sake of national pride.
Oh, and if you're thinking about other communication apps, don't even bother. They'll probably tell you next week that TikTok is actually a secret NSA drone. Your best bet? Write your messages on paper and send them through carrier pigeons. That's right, they're coming back in vogue. Welcome to the new age of anti-tech paranoia, where your smartphone is the enemy and your flip phone is your trusty steed in the battle for freedom.
