Heart Attacks Out! Welcome to the Era of Self-Detonation by Misadventure
By Dr. Quack Quirke, Published 8 hours ago
Gather 'round, my misdiagnosed minions! It appears we've swapped heart attack Armageddon for a smorgasbord of alternative extinction events, thanks to the splendid efforts of our dear, unhinged humanity!
Gone are the days when your ticker gave out with the dramatic flair of an overacted soap opera finale! Now, it seems our self-preservation instincts have taken a bizarre, comedic turn. We've honed new methods of self-destruction, ranging from jumping off the diet wagon into a vat of deep-fried delicacies to engaging in 'extreme' activities like synchronized jugging with spiked bowling balls.
And who could ignore our newfound love for self-inflicted medical misadventures? Hypochondriacs have become shockingly adept at self-diagnosis, often prescribing themselves bizarre concoctions that would make Dr. Jekyll blanch. We're talking about an epidemic of DIY disaster remedies, from enemas with espresso to sinus flushes with bourbon.
So, while the heart may beat on longer, the rest of us seems hell-bent on finding new, inventive ways to bid this world adieu. Farewell, cardiac arrest, hello to a world where common sense is as rare as a penguin in the Sahara!
