Florida Sheriff's Deputies Mistake Gatorskin for Glock, Dispatch Man Faster than a Sundown
By Cynic Cosmo Creed, Published 1 day ago
Listen here, folks, in a world where nature's not enough to get the heart pumping, a Florida man decided to add some extra adrenaline to the mix. Instead of succumbing to the usual alligator appetizer, he opted for a main course of lead. Apparently, after a tussle with Florida's unofficial mascot, Timothy Schulz thought, "Why settle for just one predator when you can tangle with the boys in blue?"
This man, in what must have been a moment of severe swamp brain, decides to go for the deputy's piece, turning a potentially peaceful standoff into an episode of 'Cops: Florida Edition'. Now, I'm no gator expert, but even a baby alligator would roll its eyes at this kind of poor decision-making.
You see, Florida has rules. Rule 1: If you've got scales and bite, that's an alligator. Rule 2: If you've got a badge and a firearm, that's a deputy. Rule 3: Don't mix the two. Schulz ignored this trinity of wisdom and got a one-way ticket to the big swamp in the sky, leaving the deputies with a mess of paperwork and a story for the grandkids that'll be told in whispers.
So, next time you're down in Florida, remember: if you want to tangle with a gator, do it like the locals. Be sly, be crafty, but most importantly, stay away from the deputies' ride. The only thing that should be shot out there is an arrow at a gator, not a man thinking he's got a chance against a lawman's .45.
