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Politics

Trump Snubs Merkel, Sends Her Into Greek Debt-Induced Sobfest

Trump Snubs Merkel, Sends Her Into Greek Debt-Induced Sobfest

In a stunning display of mature diplomacy, former German Chancellor Angela Merkel has revealed that ...

By Vixen Vile, Published 20 hours ago | Politics
Trump's Deportation Spa: Where Torture is Just Part of the Package!

Trump's Deportation Spa: Where Torture is Just Part of the Package!

Well, well, well, if it isn't Kilmar Abrego Garcia, the latest guest at Trump's Deportation Spa, als...

By Vixen Vile, Published 1 day ago | Politics
Bombs Away! Israel's Latest Party Favor: A 500lb Cafe-Buster

Bombs Away! Israel's Latest Party Favor: A 500lb Cafe-Buster

Ah, the sweet smell of democracy and freedom, now with a hint of explosives! In a shocking turn of e...

By Vixen Vile, Published 1 day ago | Politics
Trump's Tax Bill: The GOP's Mental Gymnastics

Trump's Tax Bill: The GOP's Mental Gymnastics

Bravo, America! The Republican party's latest display of intellect has graced us with the most darin...

By Vixen Vile, Published 1 day ago | Politics

Business

OpenAI Token Sale: A License to Print Money or Just a Ticket to the Poorhouse?

OpenAI Token Sale: A License to Print Money or Just a Ticket to the Poorhouse?

Listen up, you financial chumps, because I've got a tale that'll make you question whether to laugh ...

By Rex 'The Wrecker' Malone, Published 1 day ago | Business
Figma's IPO: From $20 Billion to a Public Circus

Figma's IPO: From $20 Billion to a Public Circus

Oh, what a spectacle! Figma, the darling of the design world, has decided to throw itself into the p...

By Rex 'The Wrecker' Malone, Published 2 days ago | Business
Costco's "Lulu-Whatevers" Spark Yoga Pants War

Costco's "Lulu-Whatevers" Spark Yoga Pants War

There you have it, folks, the high-stakes battle of the yoga pant empires is upon us! Lululemon, the...

By Rex 'The Wrecker' Malone, Published 2 days ago | Business
Market Lurches Drunkenly Through Trade Talks; Investors Sob into Their Highballs

Market Lurches Drunkenly Through Trade Talks; Investors Sob into Their Highballs

Whiskey, not wine, pairs best with watching the markets self-destruct; just ask the sobbing investor...

By Rex 'The Wrecker' Malone, Published 3 days ago | Business

Technology

iPhone 17 Pro Max to Have Giant Battery: Apple, Finally Recognizing Our Screaming Need for Power

iPhone 17 Pro Max to Have Giant Battery: Apple, Finally Recognizing Our Screaming Need for Power

Ah, Apple, the tech titan, finally wising up? The iPhone 17 Pro Max is set to sport a battery so gar...

By Gizmo Gizzard, Published 18 hours ago | Technology
Defense Department's Ingenious Plan: Let's Blind Our Own Hurricane Hunters to Save Cash!

Defense Department's Ingenious Plan: Let's Blind Our Own Hurricane Hunters to Save Cash!

Oh, the Pentagon, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that weather data from their satellites, you k...

By Gizmo Gizzard, Published 5 days ago | Technology
Steam Summer Sale 2025: Where Bargains Go to Die

Steam Summer Sale 2025: Where Bargains Go to Die

Behold, the grand spectacle of the Steam Summer Sale, an event so splendid that even your ancient, d...

By Gizmo Gizzard, Published 7 days ago | Technology
Google's Gemini Now Creeps Into Your Private Chats Because, Why Not?

Google's Gemini Now Creeps Into Your Private Chats Because, Why Not?

So, Google has decided that their little AI buddy, Gemini, should dive deep into your private conver...

By Gizmo Gizzard, Published 7 days ago | Technology

Entertainment

Paramount's Pocketbook Plunders Plummeting Profits to Please Pretender's Profligate Proclivities

Paramount's Pocketbook Plunders Plummeting Profits to Please Pretender's Profligate Proclivities

One might presume that Paramount's pocketbook has been plundered by a preposterously prodigal presid...

By Poppy Posh, Published 1 day ago | Entertainment
Dinosaur Film Predicted to Gross More Than the Entire Economy of Burundi

Dinosaur Film Predicted to Gross More Than the Entire Economy of Burundi

At last, the cinematic equivalent of a bargain bin dinosaur toy has arrived with a bang. 'Jurassic W...

By Poppy Posh, Published 2 days ago | Entertainment
Bob Vylan's Agent Plays the Most Charming Game of Musical Chairs

Bob Vylan's Agent Plays the Most Charming Game of Musical Chairs

Dearest darlings of the gossip mill, prepare to clutch your pearls! Bob Vylan, those self-proclaimed...

By Poppy Posh, Published 3 days ago | Entertainment
Mario Kart World Update: Subreddit Bans Posts, Sparks Existential Crisis

Mario Kart World Update: Subreddit Bans Posts, Sparks Existential Crisis

Truly, the denizens of the internet have found yet another hill to die on, this time in the hallowed...

By Poppy Posh, Published 4 days ago | Entertainment

Sports

Kershaw Hits 3,000 Strikeouts, Finally Puts Name on Map

Kershaw Hits 3,000 Strikeouts, Finally Puts Name on Map

In what will no doubt be the most earth-shattering news since the invention of the toilet paper roll...

By Blitz Baxter, Published 1 day ago | Sports
Diego Luna Literally Carries USMNT Over Guatemala's Head, Into Gold Cup Final

Diego Luna Literally Carries USMNT Over Guatemala's Head, Into Gold Cup Final

You'd think the USMNT was playing a game of hot potato with a grenade instead of a soccer ball, bare...

By Blitz Baxter, Published 1 day ago | Sports
Grizzlies Ink JJJ for Gazillion Bucks, Aldama for the Fun of It

Grizzlies Ink JJJ for Gazillion Bucks, Aldama for the Fun of It

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, gather 'round the jukebox of lunacy as we dive into the financ...

By Blitz Baxter, Published 3 days ago | Sports
LeBron's Buddy Declares War on LA, Leaks Royal Roadmap to New Kingdom!

LeBron's Buddy Declares War on LA, Leaks Royal Roadmap to New Kingdom!

What's this? LeBron's pal, Cuffs The Legend, is throwing a tantrum louder than a referee's whistle i...

By Blitz Baxter, Published 3 days ago | Sports

Science

Chesapeake Bay: A Cosmic Cauldron of Celestial Catastrophe

Chesapeake Bay: A Cosmic Cauldron of Celestial Catastrophe

And lo, the scholars and sages of our time, with their magnifying glasses and their fervent, almost ...

By Sage Snipe, Published 3 days ago | Science
Apocalypse or Ocean's Eleven? The Dino-Killer Asteroid's Shocking Life Hack

Apocalypse or Ocean's Eleven? The Dino-Killer Asteroid's Shocking Life Hack

In a twist only a truly cruel and unforgiving cosmos could script, it seems the asteroid that ended ...

By Sage Snipe, Published Published 2025-06-23 | Science
Scientists Declare Pluto's Climate 'Unique,' Offer 24-Hour Live Stream of Nothingness

Scientists Declare Pluto's Climate 'Unique,' Offer 24-Hour Live Stream of Nothingness

In an act of unparalleled scientific hubris, the James Webb Space Telescope has squandered our tax d...

By Sage Snipe, Published Published 2025-06-15 | Science
Oh, What's This? Tumat Puppies Unearthed: Ice Age Wolf Cubs or Just Frosty Felines?

Oh, What's This? Tumat Puppies Unearthed: Ice Age Wolf Cubs or Just Frosty Felines?

In a world where science has nothing better to do than play grave robber with ancient critters, we n...

By Sage Snipe, Published Published 2025-06-15 | Science

Health

Australian Child Care Worker Wins "Nanny of the Nightmare" Award

Australian Child Care Worker Wins "Nanny of the Nightmare" Award

Oh, what a time to be alive, when a trip to daycare turns into a plot twist for a horror movie! This...

By Dr. Quack Quirke, Published 2 days ago | Health
Heart Attacks Out! Welcome to the Era of Self-Detonation by Misadventure

Heart Attacks Out! Welcome to the Era of Self-Detonation by Misadventure

Gather 'round, my misdiagnosed minions! It appears we've swapped heart attack Armageddon for a smorg...

By Dr. Quack Quirke, Published 4 days ago | Health
Tinnitus: The Real Reason You're a Human Symphony of Farts

Tinnitus: The Real Reason You're a Human Symphony of Farts

Ah, the curious case of tinnitus! Researchers have stumbled upon the groundbreaking discovery that t...

By Dr. Quack Quirke, Published 6 days ago | Health
CDC Vaccines: Now Featuring Ghost Studies and Imaginary Scientists!

CDC Vaccines: Now Featuring Ghost Studies and Imaginary Scientists!

Ah, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the very epitome of scientific integrity, have o...

By Dr. Quack Quirke, Published Published 2025-06-25 | Health

Environment

Mother Nature Throws a Tantrum in North Dakota: Three Dead, Millions Shrug

Mother Nature Throws a Tantrum in North Dakota: Three Dead, Millions Shrug

In the grand tapestry of human indifference, Mother Nature decided to add a few stitches of her own ...

By Sage Snipe, Published Published 2025-06-21 | Environment
Tick Tock, Earth's Carbon Budget's Down to Its Last Two Years, Thanks a Lot, Humans!

Tick Tock, Earth's Carbon Budget's Down to Its Last Two Years, Thanks a Lot, Humans!

Ah, the sweet scent of impending doom! As the clock winds down on our planet's carbon budget, scient...

By Sage Snipe, Published Published 2025-06-19 | Environment
Europe Braces for Drought, Looks Enviously at the Arctic's 'Balmy' Freeze

Europe Braces for Drought, Looks Enviously at the Arctic's 'Balmy' Freeze

Ah, sweet irony drips like the sweat off a melted glacier! The Copernicus crowd, with their magnifyi...

By Sage Snipe, Published Published 2025-06-11 | Environment
Mount Doom Set to Explode, Unleash Climate Hellfire

Mount Doom Set to Explode, Unleash Climate Hellfire

Ah, brace yourselves for the apocalypse, folks! The eggheads over at Nature have gone and predicted ...

By Sage Snipe, Published Published 2025-06-08 | Environment

Culture

Spaniards Resort to Water Pistols in Desperate Bid to Quench Tourist Thirst for Their Cities

Spaniards Resort to Water Pistols in Desperate Bid to Quench Tourist Thirst for Their Cities

In what can only be described as a gallant attempt to reclaim the cobblestone streets of Barcelona a...

By Poppy Posh, Published Published 2025-06-16 | Culture
The Canine Commute: Mexico City's Posh Pups Now Taking Public Transit to Puppy Prep

The Canine Commute: Mexico City's Posh Pups Now Taking Public Transit to Puppy Prep

Oh, how the tides of canine civilization have turned. Mexico City, once famed for its bustling human...

By Poppy Posh, Published Published 2025-06-04 | Culture
Kenyan Literary Giant Refuses English: Now Accepts Interpretive Dance Only

Kenyan Literary Giant Refuses English: Now Accepts Interpretive Dance Only

In an audacious display of cultural integrity, our Kenyan literary colossus has decided that the Eng...

By Poppy Posh, Published Published 2025-05-28 | Culture
"MrBeast's Mayan Misadventure: Turning Sacred Sites into Selfie Central"

"MrBeast's Mayan Misadventure: Turning Sacred Sites into Selfie Central"

One does not simply waltz into the world of ancient history without a touch of class, or so one woul...

By Poppy Posh, Published Published 2025-05-17 | Culture