"Salt Lake City's Peaceful Protest Turns Into Peaceful Slumber For One Attendee"
By Cynic Cosmo Creed, Published 6 hours ago
In a tragic twist that could only occur in the land of the free, a protest against monarchical rule ended with one less commoner. Now, before you roll your eyes at the irony of "No Kings Day" claiming a citizen, let's not forget that Salt Lake City is where the spirits are used to guiding lost souls, not leading protests.
The fateful day saw our dearly departed, a peaceful protester named Jacob, who, in his final act of rebellion, decided to switch sides to the eternal kingdom. Some say he was shot by an officer with the aim of a blindfolded archer, others say it was an accidental discharge - as if there's a protocol for unintended bullets at peaceful gatherings.
Officer Redd, trying to quell the chaos with a press conference, painted a picture so rosy you'd think the roses were dipped in someone's blood. He spoke of training, of intentions, and yet, the only thing trained seems to be the public's patience wearing thin. Jacob's identity has been released, but if you're looking for justice, you might want to consult the same spirits that roam Temple Square for guidance.
