FBI Declares Boulder Attack an "Act of Terror," Which Probably Means They Just Misread the Menu
By Cynic Cosmo Creed, Published 1 day ago
Ah, Colorado, the state where cows outnumber people and apparently so do acts of terror. The FBI's slapped a big "Heinous Act" label on a recent rock-tossing spree at a Boulder pedestrian mall. Call me old-fashioned, but I miss the days when a "heinous act" meant something more than a misguided attempt at geological performance art.
Let's dissect this alleged terror caper, shall we? An "attack" in a place where the wildest action usually involves patrons of the local bar attempting to order a gluten-free quinoa burger at 3 AM. These "terrorists" must've thought they were launching the next big counterculture movement, using stones instead of spray paint, only to find that the FBI's definition of terror now includes throwing anything larger than a pebble in anger.
And let's not forget the media, who've transformed this into the next big "Breaking News" event, complete with dramatic reenactments on slow news days. Meanwhile, I'm here sipping my decaf latte, wondering if the FBI is using this case to bolster their funding by classifying bar fights as terror attacks. But hey, in a world where everything's a potential existential threat, from avocado shortages to tweet storms, maybe this is just the FBI keeping up with the times.
