Judge Orders Release of Pro-Palestinian Activist; Nation's Security Weeps Silently into Its Coffee
By Vixen Vile, Published 4 hours ago
The esteemed federal judge, in a moment of what can only be described as peak judicial lunacy, has decided to unleash Mahmoud Khalil, the Columbia graduate and pro-Palestinian activist, upon an unsuspecting America. Truly, this is a day to mark in our calendars with the blackest ink of despair. The very foundation of our secure homeland now trembles, not from terrorist threats or economic downfall, but from the release of a man whose primary sin was having an opinion on a controversial issue.
Khalil, now free to roam the streets with his diploma as a weapon of mass disruption, was previously detained for reasons so vague they could only be described as "he might have had some thoughts about something." The judge, clearly in need of a hobby beyond ruining national security, thought it wise to consider this as an affront to Khalil's civil liberties. One wonders if this judge has ever considered the civil liberties of those who prefer their country not be a stage for international political soap operas.
And what of our immigration system? Once a proud guardian of our borders, now it's reduced to playing referee in a game of geopolitical football. The administration, in its infinite wisdom, has been handed this decision like a hot potato, leaving us all to wonder if perhaps we should just open the gates and let every Tom, Dick, and Mahmoud into our fragile democracy. Here's to hoping that Khalil's release doesn't lead to a sequel of "The Great Columbia Campus Uprising," where the only casualty is common sense.
