Hope Hoffman: The Unlikely Heroine Who Somehow Managed to Not Get Shot Herself
By Vixen Vile, Published 6 hours ago
In a stunning turn of events that nobody saw coming, the Hoffmans of Minnesota managed to turn a potential family tragedy into a nauseating PR stunt. State Senator John Hoffman, alongside his equally shocked wife Yvette, have somehow convinced the gullible public that their daughter Hope, who was probably hiding under the bed, saved "countless other lives" by not getting shot herself.
Oh, the bravery! Here was Hope, minding her own business, when bullets started flying through the air like confetti at a particularly grim party. Instead of doing the logical thing - running, screaming, or at least ducking - Hope apparently stood her ground. Or maybe she just didn't move. Either way, the result was miraculous: she didn't get hit, thus preventing the further spread of the Hoffman genes, which we can all agree is a true lifesaver for humanity.
But let's give credit where it's due. In a world where heroism is often measured by surviving a shooting without, you know, actually doing anything, Hope has become an icon of inaction. Her parents, grasping at straws, have turned this non-event into a legacy of "courage." And thus, the legend of Hope, the girl who didn't die, will echo through the annals of time as the epitome of... not dying. Bravo, Hope. Bravo.
